Nature versus Demeanor

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When I was in college, I used to role play – D&D, White Wolf, etc. So last year, I incorporated some gaming elements into my classroom to try and motivate my students to to a bit more. I found myself creating a WOD character sheet, complete with Nature and Demeanor.

For my readers who aren’t familiar with this gaming concept (Mom), there are basically archetypes of personality. You nature is who you really are, the real you, the you that you guard carefully. Your demeanor is what you present to people.

We talk about how your Demeanor will change depending on the situation and who and what you are faced with, but most of the time, I am usually a jester. My nature is an architect.

Sometimes having that demeanor is difficult – people don’t always take you seriously, people don’t expect you to get upset, and worst of all, they expect you to be a jester at all times.

It’s hard to maintain that demeanor, especially when going through stressful situations. Even people who know my nature aren’t comfortable with the non-Jester Vanessa. I hear (or imagine that I hear): This isn’t you. This isn’t the girl that I married. You’ll be back to normal in no time.

It’s just easier to slink away and play Solitaire on my phone. That way, I’m quiet, unobtrusive, and it staves off the tears.

I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed – I would use the word grieving. And not the normal grieving, either – an emotional yo-yo of hope and sucker punches to the stomach.

I usually have a breaking point, cry, and reach out, but afterwards comes the embarrassment. I hate sucking people into my drama, making them feel bad – there is nothing they can do for me, so why tell them? They can’t give me any advice, they can’t console me, and they certainly make me feel any better. Either I’m working myself up for disappointment, or I need to have more hope and not give up so easily. There’s no happy medium between the two, at least none that I’ve found.

Even posting this blog feels like attention whoring. So I trudge on, week by week. It seems easier to take things a week at a time – day by day just gets too long – I start looking at the days until next month. Weeks are easier for me. I keep myself busy cleaning, baking, making doctor appointments, but there is always that nagging headache in the back of my mind, and if I let my guard down or pause for too long, or get shocked into emotion, it’s back like a migraine.

Let’s see how I feel after yoga.

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